THE WAY DIVORCED DIRT - IT STILL SUCKS

Yep...it's been just over 2 years and every divorced man and woman I've ever met has told me, "you'll come out of this so much happier and better off."  Well, I beg to differ!!!  I think it still sucks.  I still tell my friends who are having problems to work their chit out, because I personally do not think the grass is greener, at all.

Who are these crazy Happy After people?

Every single day I miss him.  Every single day I wonder what happened.  I have a gazillion new friends now who never met him, and they all tell me it's not HIM I miss, but that I miss being with someone.  They just never met him.  They don't know.

I know we had something very special.  Only most days I just don't know how or why we changed and lost it.  I have many ideas, but even after all this time I mostly I blame myself for being a biatch, or not skinny enough or not pretty enough or not fun enough.

I'm still trying to find someone else to click with, but mostly now I just want to be alone.  I think something died in me on December 14th, 2009.  I don't mean it to sound pathetic like it's coming out to be, but it's just reality - that's where I stand two years later.

OMG, IT IS JUST SO VERY DIRTY!

Okay, so I haven't posted on this blog in quite a while, but wanted to make sure you all know that I'm back to sending out the Headlines through email and, of course, include a few personal rants - so please reply to this if you want your DIRT back!

BUT, the new DIRT is back to being fun and I would love to reconnect with my old DIRTy friends!

I'm finally dating and having an awesome time on Match.com - it is quite entertaining!  Please, please, please, keep me posted if you're on the site and I would love you to pieces if you have good stories for my DIRTy readers!!  DO TELL!

Let me tell you somesing...

There should be rules for setting up your profile.  Maybe it's just me, but I get a kick out of the profile pics of the guys without shirts - at this age, really?  It's obvious when you can tell the photos are 10 years old and they miss having rock hard abs - that makes the pics are even better.

In the beginning, I read every profile and answered every email or "wink" sent to me, but I'm turning into a cold, heartless woman and now just delete profiles with screen names such as:

"kittyteaser" (not a joke)
AmericanPrinceLA
AriesLePew
CharmingLover45
JeffsThe14u
Lovingualways
OnTheOtherLine (really????)
SaucySweetPrince

Since I never want to be a Mom or have children, SnglDadSeeksLove is a nice name, but definitely not for me.

On the flip side, because I have a major thing for bald guys, a screen name like "HairWhoCares" was definitely something I clicked on!

So that's that and there's my update.  Send a shout-out if you want to get on the new DIRT email.

And please wish me some luck in the dating world - I have been out with a couple of great guys, but being single is far better than hanging out with guys when there is no real interest...

Anyway, there's a little upate!

Miss you all!

Blog Is Moving!!

Due to traffic issues and viewership out of my control, my blog is moving to a new URL. If you would like to continue following my midlife crisis adventures and also new celeb rants, please reply to this email and I will send you the link to the new blog.

Unfortunately, it also means you will have to re-subscribe and verify the email again when they send an email verification.

Apologies for the inconvenience.

P

THE DIVORCE DIRT WILL BE CHANGING!!!

First, I have to thank everyone who kept my blog through the changes...from the fun DIRT to the mostly depressing, but hopefully insightful, DIVORCE DIRT.

I'm still a sad sack of a divorced mess, still wonder what happened and where such a great partnership went so very wrong. But I'm heading out on a life journey to figure out who this Single Patti girl is and how she's going to move through the world for the next 39 years. Hopefully she'll move through it with a smile and a lot of friends and love.

The DIVORCE DIRT may change back to THE DIRT in the next couple of weeks since I will no longer be employed and will no longer be sending out the Headlines that are emailed to my work email. I just might have to send out my own little gossip recaps again, so bear with me once again through another change.

What the heck is going on??

I'm quitting my job, moving to Hermosa Beach, taking a month to train for a half marathon (with a goal to beat the ex's fat 28 yr old girlfriend's time in the half they did last month...and how dare he think he can turn her into me with MY hobbies?? right. She's still fat and has humongous gums), and then going on the most amazing trip to Africa in August/Sept with a hike to the summit (hopefully) of Kilimanjaro, then private safari in the Serengeti and ending the trip visiting Victoria Falls!

So there you have it. I challenge you to beat that midlife crisis!

THE DIVORCE DIRT 5/19 & WHO THE HECK KNOWS?

So...this Friday marks a year ago that my dad passed, which was also around the same time I realized the ex had already checked out of the marriage.  It was a great month!

It's been 5 months since the divorce and 9 months since we called it quits.  But I still cry everyday and can't help but look back and wonder what happened to the life I thought I had.  I knew we had problems, but never thought we wouldn't eventually figure it out.  I always thought we wouldn't have taken each other for granted if we never got married and just lived together forever.  I wonder if it would have been "forever" then?  After all, he was my best friend.  Who the heck knows?

I know a few couples who have horrible marriages (oh, they all come out of the woodwork when they find out you're divorced).  They fight constantly and actually say they can no longer stand their spouse.  But they won't split, mostly because they have kids.

I want to believe that if you're not happy, breaking free is the right thing to do and families are happier in the long run (including the kids).  But after living though this new life and going through a different emotion everyday, I wonder if living in the crap you know and dealing with it is the better choice.

I don't know if there will ever be an answer and I guess we all do what we think is right at the time, but who the heck knows?

I'm still thankful I don't have shared custody of anything with the ex.  I don't know how people survive having the other person in their life and having to watch them date and move forward.  It pains me to think I might run into the ex at some point.  I don't think I could handle it and I'm sure I would break into bits.
 
But while I work on trying to be happy, I've done more midlife crisis chit than I ever thought I was capable of!  I'm usually the girl who prefers sport socks over expensive shoes, likes to hike instead of shop and is way too practical to spend big bucks on the first version of any technology.  But now...

• I own two pair of Louboutin shoes, and they are spectacular!!
• I'm about to buy an iPad.
• If I didn't already own a convertible, I would get one.
• I booked a three week trip to Africa (and Amsterdam with Syd!!) and am about to go on the adventure of a lifetime! Kilimanjaro, safari and Vic Falls here I come!
• And to top it off, if I weren't against marriage so much, there's a chance I would get drunk and marry my cop boyfriend in Vegas next weekend!

I'm 39 years old and going through a CLASSIC midlife crisis.

But, really...WHO THE HECK KNOWS?!!

THE DIVORCE DIRT & YOU THINK YOU CAN BE FRIENDS?

Oh, I remember it well...August 14, 2009 when we decided to pull the plug on the marriage we really thought we would remain friends.  Then came the sadness, the changes to life as we knew it, the moving out, the selling the home, the transfering of crap, the dating other people, etc.

I knew the "he's dating other people" was tough to accept, but he was dating before we got divorced, so I knew he was already moving on.  What actually hit me in the head like a ton of bricks was something I never expected, but should have from everything I hear about divorced men.

He hooked up with a young girl (not the first, he's 41 and seems to have a thing for 28 year old girls and younger...she's not the first) who I actually thought at one point was a friend.  Yep.  The girl was even at my house last July 4th weekend.  Makes you wonder how long they had a flirtation, right?

So there I am...finding out that over my birthday weekend (the birthday where I had to pick up a check from his apt only to find just a check in the envelope...not even a note to have a nice birthday...wow...thanks), he was hooking up with the girl I thought was sort of a friend.  Turns out she is really just an all-gums-smile, wide-load backside, bow-legged backstabber.  I actually don't really blame him - she's someone he knows and doesn't have to do any work for - but it made me hate him more than I ever thought I could.

I haven't blogged since that day because I thought the hate would die down and I would learn something from the knife in my back and would just move on.  But I'm blogging now just to say that I can't figure it out!  I'm filled with hatred and bitterness.  I cut off all communication with him...blocked everything on facebook and twitter...don't ever want to see his face for the rest of my life.  So much for being friends!

From what I understand, he's doing things that he never was able to do for me, like book a weekend getaway.  I always wanted him to be that guy, and he never was when he was with me, but for some reason he's able to be that guy without me.

There is a lesson in here somewhere...it has something to do with trying to make someone be who you want them to be, but I don't have a handle on it yet.  Somehow it just makes me keep wondering where it all went wrong.

The lesson will show up one day, I promise!  In the meantime, I just hear that all of this is "NORMAL" and to not be surprised if he's married in the next 6 months!  OH, I AM SOOO LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT EMOTION!!!!

THE DIVORCE DIRT & NOTEBOOKING

After writing about being "outed" by Darkness last month, a DIRTy reader replied with some great advice that I think applies to everyone and not just divorced chicks:

I didn't get married till I was 34 (and my husband was 42) 'cause all I ever met were slimeballs (until I met my husband), and I really lucked out in the husband department but that's because I never lost the faith that there was a still a decent guy out there.

I suggest you keep a notebook and start listing all the qualities that are "must-haves" in a mate. You can also list "like-to-have" qualities or characteristics as well (physical attributes), but the "must-haves" are the most important items.  In a short story that I wrote once about this exact topic, I called my notebook "Committing Your Man (To Paper)" because I find that the written word is much more powerful than just wishing for these things in your head, and sort of cements your wishes to the universe (without trying to be all religious/spiritual, blah, blah, blah).  It took years to complete my notebook (but I did start it when I was in my early twenties) - every time I met someone new, I would think about the qualities that I found most endearing about them, and if I had to have those qualities in a mate, I would add them to my book. Once the book was complete, I left it in the drawer and almost forgot about it (only you will know when you've listed everything you need in a mate), until one day it dawned on me that my boyfriend at the time (who is now my husband) had every "must-have" on my list AND every "like-to-have" except for "taller than a soda machine" (yes, I did list that! I'm 5'9" and my husband is only one inch taller than me, but I always dated much taller men because I was so tall).

I think that's such a sweet story and also an interesting idea!  So here's my list so far from the three boys I've met this year (I thank my Darkness once again for "outing" me from the black hole I was in for months), and please note that I reserve the right to change/update the list at any time as I get to know myself, as well.

MUST:
Make me laugh (non-negotiable).  And I'm not just talking about stupid slapstick comedy.  I'm talking about smart comments/banter that keeps me on my toes and makes me think in a different way.  That's not saying I don't love a total goofball - I absolutely appreciate someone who will be goofy on a whim, like jumping into a fountain with his clothes on and not caring who's watching or what people think.  That just makes life plain fun!

Be Honest.  I think real honesty is tough to find in people, in general, and I thought it would take a very long time to ever trust a guy again.  Then, BAM!  The universe threw someone at me right away who is the most honest and open of any guy I've ever met in my life.  Because of him I also see that some people think/say they're honest, but they may not even be honest with themselves.

It's funny how you learn about your own life through other people...

So that's it for now - just two Must Haves to get started.  I know that these two will always be at the top of my list and I thank our DIRTy reader for sharing her story and advice!

Have a great day and I'll speak at ya again soon!

THE DIVORCE DIRT & I Kissssssed a Boy & I Liked It! (how do you say "part two" in Slovak?

It's true.  I did kiss a boy and I did like it very much!  But the story is too fun(ny) to not tell.

Stats:  Divorced for EXACTLY 5 MONTHS and 1 DAY on the night of the kiss.

Scene:  Patti Lange dining alone on vacation and having a very lovely and fun night all by myself...my dinner plans had fallen through and I was just so very happy to eat pasta (really??  yes, I ate an entire bowl of carbs and didn't care...added chicken to it to make myself feel better, though), listen to tunes, play on facebook with my buddies and suck down a couple of lychee martinis and indulge in a humongous brownie sundae dessert. 

Carbo-overload, seriously?  I was in heaven and was bantering with the waiter and at some point I bantered with the table next to me for a short minute.  I have zero recollection of what it was about, but it was FUN.

I was about to head back to my hotel when another lychee martini showed up on my table...from the couple sitting next to me that I had the short exchange with.  They were a cute couple - the girl was blond and had a thick, Russian accent that I thought was very cool.  When I thanked them for the drink and noted that I really did not need another drink, I think the girl said something in that most awesome Russian accent about never having too much vodka.  I was too intoxicated to really remember what she said, but it was a nice gesture.  And they suggested I join them, which my alone and drunk self was happy to chat with at that point.

FULL SPEED AHEAD
Turns out that the "couple" were really friends (or so they said) and time passed and she left and I somehow ended up sitting on his lap sucking his face off for what may have been hours.  After all the divorce drama and missing my ex more than I ever thought was possible, I had no cares in the world that night.

He is from (former) Yugoslavia, has been living in the U.S. for roughly 10 years and is absolutely adorable.  I have never heard of a name like "Darko," so I decided to call him "DARKNESS" all night.  It's a name that I will adore for years to come because it represents a turning point in my divorce that I never thought was possible. 

I'm not sure how it happened when I had zero interest in talking to boys for the rest of my life, but he was FUN and FUNNY and something (perhaps 3 lychee martinis???) made me sit on his lap at an outside table and not care at all about the world around me as I literally sucked his face off!! 

STOP!
With the way I was kissing this guy, I don't blame him for thinking he was getting laid that night!  Seriously, Pucker Up Patti was in FULL EFFECT like I've never known it in my life!  But I kept telling him, and I was honest and serious about it, that I was NOT going to sleep with him!  If I had been witness to what was going on, I wouldn't have believed me, either!!!!

At one point (after a second bar and a bottle of Proseco - really?  an entire BOTTLE of Proseco??), we parted ways and I was walking to my hotel and realized that he was following me.  So I stopped and waited and let him walk with me to my hotel, all the while telling him I was not going to sleep with him.  I believe he may have mentioned at one point that we could do "other fun things" and drunk Patti thought that was a fine idea.  "OKAY!!!!!"

So he came back to my room at the hotel.  Not sure how this played out, but somehow HE WAS IN MY SHOWER and I suddenly had a light bulb go on in my head and thought, "OMG!  He thinks we're having sex!" and realized that if he stayed, I was pretty sure that I would let things happen as they may.

Poor guy gets out of the shower and I looked him in the eye and said, "YOU NEED TO LEAVE" and he said, "excuse me?"  So with a more stern (if possible) look, I said, "YOU NEED TO LEAVE...NOWWWW!!!!"

I have never seen anyone get dressed and bolt out of a room faster than Darkness did.

Long story short, he left so quickly that he left his very cute hat on the nightstand in my room:

I cannot lie when I say that I found an excuse to see him two nights later to return the hat.  We spent 4 hours hanging out...laughing about the first night (he said he was waiting for me to join him in the shower!  lmbo!) and how much of  a crazy person I am (obviously!).  But I went back to my hotel alone again.  As much as went on, I still had no interest in being with a boy - especially a boy I didn't know anything about.

Fast forward a week later and there were a few fun(ny) exchanges via text, and I wanted nothing more than to book another weekend to see him again and "close the deal" when I realized that my crazy divorced head would have driven him nuts (see the blog with the guy guest correspondent to get the full inside scoop on bizarre behavior from divorced chicks) and that I am personally nuts for wanting to travel to see a guy that I don't even know anything about and who very well could KILL ME at any time!!!

I have to say...I think it is a fun(ny) story.  And Darkness is a very cute boy who seems crazy smart (they say humor is the last thing picked up when you're not native to the country, and he is so funny it kills me) and I adore his banter and I love that he gave me chit and called me out for being insane.

I am still insane and my insanity ruined any future fun times, but Darkness made me happy for the first time in months.

I'm laughing again.  All the time!  And Darkness will always be light in my life.

THE DIVORCE DIRT & I Kissssssed a Boy & I Liked It!

Not to be too much of a tease with that headline, but I can do whatever I want when I write, WHICH IS WHY I WRITE...and it is a bit of a tease for this first post this evening!  But I have two blogs that I will write/post tonight, so bear with me...one shows two people (me and a friend) who are going through similar chit but are about 4 months apart in what hey're wallowing in (perhaps only divorced chicks will be able to relate), and the second is about the insanity in my life and a first step in starting over. 

Both blogs are going to be ridiculously long, so feel free to Unsubscribe and delete me if it's too annoying!!  :)  On the flip side, if you're going through this and want to add content, please feel free to email back to me or to make comments.  Open forum.

PART I:  SOUNDS FAMILIAR:
I first sent my friend a note to check in since I hadn't chatted with her in weeks, and to FRIENDS OF DIVORCED CHICKS, PLEASE NOTE:  There is NO WAY your friend will ever reach out to you during a divorce!!!  You have to be the one to reach out and tell her (as my friend, Stefani did one day), "btch, you're meeting me for lunch and it is not up for discussion."  And even if you leave a voice mail on our phones that you're thinking about us (as my friend D did), it means the world even if we don't have the capacity to return the call.

We really do go into a hole and there is absolutely NOT A CHANCE IN HELL that we will call you to talk because we're sad or lonely or crying our eyes out...we don't want to talk to anyone during this time, but we really do have to do it and our friends need to make us do it! 

But I wanted to print my friend's reply since it speaks to a lot of exactly what I was feeling before I started blogging (to start on the same page, my note to her mentioned I just moved in with a friend a few weeks ago and that friend has saved me from myself, basically).  Here note is in red-ish and I'll keep  my comments in blue.

"Thanks so much for writing. I can't tell you how great it is to hear from you, especially when I'm just starting the shit-ass journey that you've already taken, and your positivity and energy is absolutely inspiring.


Like you, I've moved into a new flat with a roommate since about two weeks ago. It IS a different life. I didn't plan to be a single girl in London, with a few friends and no family, but the people that ARE around have been amazingly supportive and caring. Like the girls on my dental nurse training course with me, and my tutors on the course (told you I swapped industries).

I just met them a few months ago, and I can't imagine why or how they care so much, but they do. For instance, on my birthday (which was seventeen days after [THE EX] dropped me off at a friend's house with my stuff in some plastic bags and a suitcase) they knew I didn't have any plans, so they threw me a surprise party at our local pub and baked me a cake. I was astounded. And humbled. They've held me when I broke down in tears on the clinic floor, called me for study dates, made dinner and drink plans, just sent me texts to let me know they're thinking of me...they're really getting me through this. I just don't feel so alone - which is ridiculous, because you and I both know we have lots of people that love us. Why the disappearance of our erstwhile husbands from our lives can make us feel so unloved and alone, or why THEY should be the great measurement of whether or not we're lovable...but there it is. And little daily reminders that I'm not alone - that even relative strangers think I'm lovable and worthwhile, and even you whom I haven't seen in years care enough to write - are absolutely saving my life.

I hear you about not wanting to wallow, too. I dread the time between end of work and going to work, because I've got too much fucking time to THINK. I used to be a night person and now I live for the days...I know it won't always be like this but right now I ain't sleepin' so well. THAT'S a good question for you...what do you do when you can't sleep?"

Lange Reply:
"what you wrote is alllllll very familiar, it's just so bizarre that we all go through the same shit.

I couldn't sleep in the beginning, either, and ended up turning into crazy download-music-girl and searched for new tunes and downloaded and burned cd's ALL THE TIME! It kept my mind from thinking.  I couldn't read books or magazines and I couldn't even sit through a 30 minute sitcom. Just could not pay attention.

Facebook was a good distraction, also - did a lot of reading status updates and making comments. It was on ALL THE TIME and there was something comforting about being "social" on it when I had zero desire to be social. And as much as I prefer to make funny status comments, some days my updates were very dark and it was nice to hear people say they loved me and to hang in there."

SOOOOO....THERE IT IS.  It's not just this buddy of mine who is feeling this or has felt it.  But I thank her for letting me post her email.  I think it's helpful to us "divorced chicks" to know that it is NORMAL!  I still laugh at that word more than you can imagine.  Frickin' NORMAL!

There was more banter with me and my buddy, but I'm going to save some of it and get to a fun(ny) story for a change.  As my man, Jay-Z, says, "ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!"

THE DIVORCE DIRT & GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY!

Once again I pride myself on being service-oriented and OH, DO I HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU!  Our DIRTy Dater Guy came through and is giving us the honor of looking into his world of dating divorced chicks.  The poor guy somehow manages to meet girls who are in the middle of a divorce or are newly divorced, so I asked him to tell us what it's like to be on the receiving end of CRAZY.


From my own personal experience and from what I have seen from the many divorced chicks I know, it's true that emotions are flying high and low for a while after the divorce.  So I am fine with referring to myself as "crazy" and don't have a problem with divorced chicks, in general, being referred to as such.  But on the other hand, I am now seeing a WHOLE LOTTA CRAZY from guys in their mid to late 30's and early 40's that you'll soon hear about.


We need a name for our DIRTy Dater Guy, so let me know if you have any fun ideas after you read his post..  I was thinking about Homer, in honor of Homer Simpson and how he always gives on-point advice (cough, cough).  Let's just get right to it.  Here is a little story from our guy, Homer.  Feel free to express any and all comments with no worries about hurting feelings...consider this a therapy session!


I have to admit two things:  1) me and my divorced chick roommate laughed our butts off because it is sort of our life right now, and 2) I was impressed with the proper use of the word "whose."

HOMER'S VIEWPOINT
The divorced dirt chick thinks Men are Crazy – I’ve dated divorced chicks and I can say that most, if not all, are also crazy!!

The question my friends always ask after these ‘relationships’ (I use this term rather loosely) end is "why?" Other than the fact that I am a glutton for punishment, and obviously haven’t learned anything in life, I guess there are various reasons.

The first that comes to mind is that my friends and family probably thought I needed some loving so they decided to set me up with one of their ‘divorced friends,’ and usually one smack dab in the middle of their divorce.  At the time, I more than likely REALLY needed some loving so I thought it was a great idea. Honestly, looking back, I still think it was a great reason – when you need sex you will basically go out with anyone – even crazy chicks in the middle of a divorce! 

Seriously, they are an emotional mess BUT these women really seem to like sex, especially the ones who weren’t getting much in married life! What I didn’t understand at the time though was that all they really want is sex…not a relationship.  Seems simple enough right?  And as a guy it seems like the greatest situation in the world!!  Well it’s not as easy as you think.  Somehow they will make you think they want a relationship and they will want to spend every second with you – they seem to really like having you around.  It’s probably because the ex was such a jerk or cheated on them or just was a crappy husband – I don’t know what the reason but they will want to talk to you, see you, text you, email you every second of every day. Whatever you do, do not start liking them and don’t act like you are in a relationship – that is the kiss of death!  It’s a trap and if you fall for it things will go south in a hurry!

If you are not convinced divorced chicks are crazy, then if you get the opportunity to date divorced women whose husbands cheated on them, you will certainly find out that they are certifiably crazy! I have been lucky enough to get that opportunity…Yes, I know, I really am a lucky guy!  I need to make this VERY important point…STAY AWAY FROM ANY WOMEN WHOSE HUSBAND HAS CHEATED ON HER!  Did the caps make that clear??  Now I don’t mean stay away from them forever – just until they date several other guys and have completely moved past it (I don’t know if they ever completely move past it but let’s just say for purposes of this blog that someday they do).

One such woman was Kate.  Kate was from Vermont (that should have been my first warning) had 2 pugs (an obvious 2nd warning), and getting a divorce from a guy who cheated on her (yes, I should have been running but I didn’t). Having been in this situation before I told Kate that we should take things slow, try to be friends until she was ready to date – she agreed.  But then I made the mistake of sending her a card on her birthday and took her out to dinner as a birthday gift.  Suddenly Kate just couldn’t get enough of me but I could tell she still had some heavy baggage from the ex.

As time went on (a few months of a lot of fun actually) the divorce started approaching and Kate began to lose it.  She would want to hang out, we’d have a great time, then she wouldn’t want to see me, then a few days later she’d call and want to talk to me for 3 hours on the phone and tell me how much she liked me.  To say I was getting mixed signals would be the ultimate understatement. 

One day, she told me a story of how she found pictures of her ex and his new girlfriend in some compromising situations – I think that finally convinced me that this girl was not recovering any time soon, actually after hearing that story I just felt really bad for her…Luckily, soon after that she broke it off. However, one night I met up with her and her friends at a bar and she proceeded to get drunk and kissed me at the bar, and she would not stop holding my hand… We went back to her place and she told me I could sleep there so naturally I thought she might want to hook up.  I was wrong.  She was mad I tried something, I was beyond frustrated. I then proceeded to bang my head against a wall and got the hell out of there. That was the last time I saw Kate – she soon after moved across the country to get a fresh start (and hopefully become less crazy!).

While I laugh my butt off for the next few days, please discuss!!!!!

THE DIVORCE DIRT & MEN ARE CRAZY!!

(please note that the comments/quotes in this blog are a dramatization based on what I heard and not the actual comments/texts because they got so creepy that they have all been deleted.  And I have my own opinions on the matter that may not be truly what is going on, but I think I'm right for the most part.)

I think I've made it very clear that I'm not in any mood to date (perhaps for the rest of my life), but I've been hanging out with a divorced girl who has guys coming out of the woodwork to date her...and her adventures are CRACKING ME UP!

Before I get into the faults of men, I would just like to say that WE ARE PERFECT!  And we have yet to hear from our guy guest correspondent on the issues of women, so I have every right to be one sided at this point (this rant is his own fault for not enlightening us in how much of a mess we are).

My friend - we'll call her Magda as a variation of Magnet - and I are thinking of grouping guys into categories.  We will discuss these categories at length at a later date, but today I would like to first just talk about THE STALKERS.

Stalkers start off all sweety tweety and they make us think that they are the most amazing guys in the world!  You just cannot believe there is a guy out there that actually exists with these amazing qualities.  They are tentative, they hold open doors for you, they are understanding when you complain that there's a former stalker in your life who won't go away.  "Oh, I cannot believe guys are desperate like that!" they say.

Then, when the relationship should be moving from the crazy, passionate, "I really hope he likes me as much as I like him" stage to a more comfortable one where you're pretty secure that you'll see him the next weekend, he keeps going.  You keep getting the text first thing in the morning, such as, "Good morning, Beautiful!  I love you so very much and can't wait to talk to you today!"  And you get teddy bears and hearts sent to your facebook wall so everyone can see that you are HIS.  After waking up and realizing you have a stalker, you feel like if you get one more cutesy thing on your FB wall that you're going to go ballistic.

And then you get one.

And then you feel like sending THIS to his wall:

I am sorry to laugh at the situation, because I know it's going to bite me in the A$$ at some point, but this has happened to Magda recently and I think stalking is more common than we think.

I also think that MEN ARE CRAZY.

Not to spill too much of Magda's chit, but one particular stalker guy was living in another state and after 3 months of dating was secretly moving in with her without her knowledge.  She knew he was going to leave "a few winter clothes" since he had plane tickets from a warmer state to the Northeast for 3 weekends in Dec/Jan, but you let me know if you think this is normal:

• 18 Business Ties (yes, eighteen!  Not a joke.  I counted them when I helped to pack his chit).
• A BATHROBE!  Really?  Bathrobe?  I'm not sure if he packed the kitchen sink, but if you pack a bathrobe for short weekend trips I think that is an issue.
• One Peacoat.  Normal, I think.
• Full on business suit.  For vacation????  Really???
• A biker jacket with METAL SHOULDER PADS AND METAL TO COVER ELBOWS!  What the heck is this, even?
• Black hightops with straps/buckles like the ones on ski boots.  These things are heavy!
• And there is an entire humongous trash bag now stuffed to the top with clothes.

There is more stalking from the guy...he just booked a trip here and is trying to get in touch with Magda and using the clothing as an excuse to see her in person (and in my personal opinion, get her to realize how much in love she is with him, but really I am afraid for her life and think she needs to leave town when he's here).

It has gotten so ridiculous that I have a suitcase packed (did I not mention that he also left a suitcase?) and I am heading to his home state this week and have every intention of dropping the luggage off with his mother!  If we can't get her address, I am happy to rent a locker at the airport and have her send him the code to pick his crap up!!!!

What's a girl to do??????

Do I ever want to date EVER?

Divorcé Dater Guy, do you have any advice?

Does anyone have any stories they'd like to tell or any categories of men they run into on a regular basis?

THE DIVORCE DIRT & 2010 ALREADY ROCKS!

On 12/31 I thought, "no way could one day/date make a difference," but BEHOLD!  I have to brag that I woke up on Friday morning, January 1st, with a new attitude and a new outlook on life.  Granted, I woke up in LA and planted my tushie on a swingset on Hermosa Beach and enjoyed my Starbucks while swinging away & watching the sun come up over the Pacific Ocean (left coast jet lag...I was the only person up at 6am).

But I have hope for me, for my buddies who are looking for jobs or going through the beginning stages of divorce.  2009 must have been the year for people to say goodbye to life as they knew it, whether it was the death of a loved one, the death of a marriage, the death of a long-term relationship or the death of a career.  Friday morning we all started over!

Special thanks go out to my buddies on the West Coast for helping to kick off my year with a smile:  Rick, Barrett, Tamar, Matt, Nicole, Mary, Debbie, Sharon, Mike, Ragan, beam-me-up Scotty and the waitresses at Good Stuff where I had a lovely breakfast on the beach every morning.  We ALL had crap in 2009 and were very happy to kick off the new year together.

Also a success was my new body ink!  HELLO LIZARD TATTOO!  HELLO BODY THAT IS NOW MINE ALL MINE!  I will always have a buddy with me to go hiking, biking, running, drinking, or just watching Bad Girls Club on cable (which is tremendously awful).  He's going to LOVE living and exploring life with me and I cannot wait to take him on many adventures!

On an aside, this is Rick and Barrett - they were my escorts for my tattoo adventure and my buddies for the weekend.  They are much fun!




Thanks to my cute escorts, my tattoo artist (Tiffany) was very gentle (but let's be honest, it still hurt):

This is NOT the tattoo I chose, but it was quite interesting in the sketch book!  Anyone know someone who has this??? 

And here you go...the tattoo that will be on my saggy body in 30 years, if I make it that long:

THE GUY WHO DATES DIVORCED CHICKS!
OH, have I got a treat for you!  At least it sounds like a good idea in theory - we'll see if he can actually deliver the "goods"!!!  Anyway, I met a guy who seems to have a way of meeting and dating divorced chicks.  I gather from the tone of his voice that it is NOT by choice!  Regardless, I suggested that he should become some sort of Divorcee Stud Muffin and offer his services for the greater good.  When that didn't fly, I talked him into being a guest speaker on my blog!

It is currently a work in progress since he unwillingly agreed to do this only a few hours ago, but I think he will be able to provide a valuable service to divorced chicks everywhere by telling us if our bitter hagginess drives single guys bananas, by helping us understand if we come off as whack jobs, by helping us understand what a dude thinks when he finds out we're totally divorced, recently divorced or going through a divorce, ETC.  I'm so excited about this!

FACEBOOK RULES
I explored this a little today in my Celeb Headlines email, which many of you are on, but next time I chat I'm going to talk about Facebook etiquette and dating.  Do you Friend someone right away (I say no since I divulge every bit of my life on fb...oh, and the blog is different??)?  Do you accept a Friend request right away?  Or how do you tell them "not right now, I have a 90 day waiting period"?  So many questions...

Happy 2010 and I hope that everyone has a very good year - it may not be the best year ever and may be a more practical year than when the dough was rolling in a few years ago, but I think this will be the year to find real happiness.  Let's do it!

THE DIVORCE DIRT 12/31/09 & Please Let 2010 Go Uphill!

Wow.  The end of 2009 is finally here and I am one of the many people who are hoping that 2010 will be a better, more positive, uphill and happy year!  Of course, tomorrow will not be a magic day where everything suddenly feels beautiful, but I do have hope that the sadness will start to go away and that I will take what I learned in this downward spiral year and hopefully move forward and be on the road to recovery.

Goodbye, 2009!  It's the year where cancer finally took my dad, the year where I thought in Feb that my marriage could be fixed, only to realize in April that it was beyond repair.  The year I dreaded getting out of bed almost every day and the year I cried more than I ever thought this tough chick would be able to cry.

But it's a year where I learned....oh, I learned!  And I would like to toast the things I learned about myself and about divorce:

• It's not just me - so many people are divorced, getting divorced, in unhappy marriages and just sucking it up, cheating on spouses, trying to cheat on spouses, emailing flirtations on facebook and thinking it's not cheating if there's no physical cheating (it's still cheating), lying, believing their own lies, etc.
• I grew up shoving everything under the rug, but if you do that the rug only gets taller and eventually you can't even walk on the rug and it self combusts!
• Honesty is tough, but it's the only thing that will ever keep trust in a relationship of any sort.
• No matter how close your friends are, your relationships will change and you will cherish the people who reach out to you when you don't have the energy to reach out to anyone and all you want to do is cry in bed all day.
• No friend can really help you through a divorce unless they have also been through one.  Your friends will change, but only for the better.
• When you feel like you're crazy and not normal and the world is ending, it is incredibly helpful to hear a divorced friend say, "Oh, yeah...I went through that...it's NORMAL"!
• Every girl needs a gay!
• Music rocks and "mix tapes" are important so you can listen to Miley Cyrus instead of flipping through sad songs on the radio.
• Sometimes you need to be yelled at!  My favorite thing is during a downward spiral when my loving girlfriend screamed at me to GET A GRIP and it totally worked!

Personally, I learned that I am tired of being a Planner and a Caretaker.  I take care of my family, my clients, my work, my life...which most of the time I love to do, honestly.  But to do it all the time is exhausting and it's time to be selfish for a change.  I want people in my life who make me excited about life.  Who wake my a$$ up at 6am to get up and get going for some awesome adventure.

In 2010 I'm going to think about getting a dog.  A Vizla that I can run with and go hiking with and just hang out with.  I'm going to join a biking group and explore with new friends.  I'm going to take more time to relax and just chill with my old buddies.

So BE GONE 2009!  Let's start this new decade with positive thoughts and start moving forward.

May everyone have a very happy and healthy holiday weekend and a great, great, great 2010!

THE DIVORCE DIRT 12/18 & FIRST NIGHT OUT

You know it was a good night when you wake up the next morning and your clothes are thrown on the floor throughout different rooms and you don't really remember most of how you got home!

BUT nothing scandalous happened (then why am I writing?)...it was just a great fun night out with buddies and was my first bar experience out as Single Patti after the divorce went through on Monday.

Highlights from the evening:

• The girls were singing Beyonce's "all the single ladies" tune at the beginning of the night and it is still pounding in my head.
• A not-attractive guy wearing a suit in a bar (really?  can you at least lose the tie?  full suit, really?) brushed up behind me and as a pick up line said, "I know you did that on purpose!" and I looked at him confused and said, "huh?  what are you talking about?" and he tried to explain that I somehow brushed up on him on purpose.  I think I said something to the effect of, "no, I don't believe I did" and didn't get that it was a pick up line until I brushed him off and my buddies explained to me what happened.  Hysterical.
• The girls also pointed out that a dude was checking me out and apparently you're not supposed to look, so I asked if he was at least cute.  They said he was sort of cute, so I looked and was horrified that they thought I would think he was cute.  Thank you, girls.  They then tried to save themselves by saying I can do a lot better.  I really hope that's true when I start to have interest in boys.
• After a few lychee martinis I somehow lost all filters (not that I have many to begin with) and was trying to get by a group of people when I said to one guy that looked like he wasn't old enough to be in the bar, "Excuse me little boy!"  That didn't go over very well and I got a nice "F.U." and decided it was time to go home.

Lessons from the night are that a) boys are gross and b) there is no reason to go back to Cellar Bar at Bryant Park Hotel ever.

I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve at Union Cattle Co in Hermosa Beach, so if you'd like to join me for more Single Patti adventures it should be a fun night - Google it and buy a ticket online now!!

Happy Friday and have a lovely weekend!

THE DIVORCE DIRT - DIVORCE DAY & AN ODE TO JONATHAN LANGE

Before I get started, two things:
1) I have to say, once again, if you don't want to get the newly formed Divorce Dirt rant, please feel free to 'unsubscribe' at the bottom of the email - I understand you signed  up for an entirely different celeb blog, and this has taken a couple of forms since then, so I will not take offense!  And if you want "the headlines" that are now on email, please reply to this and I will happily add you to that distribution.

2)  I am 10 hours away from my final divorce court appearance, so I'm not able to be fun(ny) tonight, but instead feel like relfecting on a few things that i've been thinking about the past few days. 

My divorce court appearance is tomorrow at 9am, and it's 11:30pm the night prior.  AND I AM A WRECK!

I went out with an awesome buddy of mine last night, with her guy and another couple, and I was just fine being a 5th wheel.  In fact, it felt great to get out of my cocoon for a change and I think I did pretty well.  Then spent the night at her house and woke up this morning needing to drive out of the mountains early before a crazy snow storm hit the Northeast.

Well, I was 30 minutes into my hour drive home when the light rain started and quickly formed ICE on the highway.  My rear wheel drive Honda S2000 is less than equipped to drive in any inclement weather, so I started to freak out.  And who is the only person who knows my car and knows how to drive in this weather?

Yes, of course it's the "soon to be" ex.  For 15+ years, he's been the one to call to get advice on how to handle normal life situations.  If he weren't around, do we think I could have handled it on my own?  TOTALLY!!!  But sometimes moral support and emotional guidance is what is really needed.  And this is one thing that I am terrified of not having as "Single Patti."

So I called him...crying like a baby on the phone, freaking out.  He talked me down from the ledge and guided me to a safe, secure location where I waited out the storm until the temperature heated up above freezing.  I won't get into the fact that two hours later I locked my key in the trunk of my car and I needed to call him crying my eyes out again and made him drive an hour out of his way to bring my spare, but let's just say it happened, and I've been crying my eyes out for the rest of the afternoon.  In front of him...while he finishes packing his chit.  After the past few months, there is no doubt in my mind that he will only remember me as hysterical crying Patti and won't ever remember the happy Patti, fun girl that I think I used to be.  Good times.

But the drama of the day lead to me think about our life together, and the only things I can remember right now are the good times, not the bad.  So below is a list of things that I will miss about life as I have known it for the majority of my adulthood.  As much as I want to hate him, he's the most wonderful guy I could have ever asked for in my life and has been my best friend for 15+ years.  So here is a list of just a few things that I will miss about him, in no particular order:

• He's one of the smartest guys I've ever met, with book smarts and also street smarts, so he brings a different (and always intelligent) angle to every situation.
• He has "Big American Teeth" (quote from our British friend, Justin) and a great smile that lights up a room.
• He was always fun.
• He was always funny.
• He would do anything for my mom, and would let me do anything for her, no questions asked.
• My niece was his niece, and probably one of his most favorite people in the world.
• He is awesome at his job - perhaps a contributor to the downfall of our marriage, but a reason I loved him, nonetheless.
• He was always up for the crazy trips I would plan.
• He was so much fun to travel with and loved when I found those old school hot apple pies in foreign countries (they used to serve at McDonald's in the U.S. back in the day, but we found them at Wendy's in Greece and McDonald's in Costa Rica, for instance).  He laughed at me for it, but he knew it was such a treat to find.
• He was always up for whatever trip I wanted to take, whatever party I wanted to have, whatever sport I wanted to try.  He always seemed excited about the crazy crap I came up with.
• There were many years where he would look at me, and I knew he adored me even if I was nasty and sweaty and didn't have any make up on.  He had that look in his eye and I felt so very loved when he looked at me like that.
• He let me be me.

So there you have it.  Reasons why we were married for over 12 years.  Nights like tonight I forget why we're getting divorced, so that's the hardest part.  There are many reasons, I know, but they're not always front & center.

Nothing funny tonight, I'm sorry.  But in case anyone is going through a rough patch, I recommend taking inventory of all the good things in your relationship and appreciating the small stuff for a little bit.

Signing OFF!
Dr. Patti

THE DIVORCE DIRT 12/7 & PUCKER UP PATTI? OH, NO...

I would like to open with a FB status-themed note and then won't harp on it in the post afterwards:

Patti Lange thinks it is the most hurtful feeling in the world when someone you've spent most of your adult life with, and trusted more than anyone else in life, looks you squarely in the eyes and flat out lies.

Because of events over the past year, I now say, "let's be honest" more often than I should, and I think I mentioned before, but I'm all about "full disclosure" and speaking my mind...even if you don't like what comes out of my mouth.  I feel like I just don't care about a filter or edit button anymore.  It's my opinion, and if you disagree, then speak your mind and I will try to appreciate your perspective.

I'm pretty certain that I'm losing friends by the day from it! :)

Anyway, D-Day is one week from today and I'm feeling a little bit of relief that this will soon be over, but also a lot of bitterness and sadness that this will soon be over.

To help with the sadness, I have to share a poem that I came upon while cleaning out files - it's a bit ironic, if you think about it.  This was written by co-workers in Miami and the timing was the summer before I started dating my husband.  If anything good is to come out of the past 15 years, let's look at it as he apparently saved me from myself!

Read and enjoy, and hope & pray that Round Two of life will not be the train wreck that it apparently was back in 1994!  Oh...and I need to clarify that I was not a full-on tramp (my niece assumed I was a Ho after reading this) and I only kissed boys that summer on South Beach.

Enjoy the Ode to Pucker Up Patti and have a great Monday!

THE DIVORCE DIRT - 12/1/09 & DANG I MAY BE A COUGAR!

I have to tell you I may be in love with a straight man!

Don't get me wrong, Barrett is still my #1 favorite man on the planet and he will forever be the best gay boyfriend a girl can have!  Case in point:  last week on Facebook he sent a relationship request to be my boyfriend, which...DUH...I accepted without hesitation, but couldn't stop laughing that he noted we are in an open relationship.  COME ON!  It doesn't get any better than that!  Today I think he got upset that I was talking to another gay man, though.  If you're in an open relationship with a gay man, doesn't that mean that you're allowed to talk to other gay men?

Oh, hold on, maybe he was upset about me being buddies with a hetero chick...that makes more sense.

Anyway, I just started watching Glee and am in love.  In the second episode there's a scene where the (hot) teacher guy (Matther Morrison) has the Glee Club sing Gold Digger by Kanye West.  Yes, I know Kanye has a bad rep right now, but that song is ROCKIN' and watching the (hot) teacher guy dance and sing to it made me a little bit boy crazy for him!  It's true.  As sad as I am, as much as I cry and wish my life were back to what is was years ago, I am still hot for teacher!  I've always been a sucker for the cute geeky guys...look him up, girls, because he fits the bill!  Oh, how he fits the bill!

Ahhh...geez...no gauge for age!  COUGAR...GROWL!
So I tell my sister and my 17 yr old niece about my crush, and BOTH of them say, "geez...that guy's wayyyyy too young for you and must be, like, 26 years old!"  I thought for sure he was my age and looked him up.  He is 31 years old.  I'm 38.  WHICH BRINGS ME TO YET ANOTHER ISSUE I HAVE WITH MYSELF!!!  I have no gauge for age!  I just may be too old to recognize how old people are.  Chit.  That is not going to be helpful if I ever start dating straight men.

BAGGAGE
Yes, it's true.  I am piling up baggage by the day!  First I don't know how to act in public without wearing a wedding band (on an aside, I just bought a ring for my left hand on Saturday, and lost it on the subway today...guess I can't play tricks with my own head and get away with it...chit.), I don't know who this "single Patti" girl is, I cry if I get the wrong change at the grocery store, I only want to be friends with gay men and divorced bitter hag chicks, and I now realize I have no capacity to tell how old a guy is.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ANYMORE? There are so many creams for men on the market now - is it even possible to figure out how old someone is before having to actually ask?

I'm going to have a heart attack.  I'm in so much trouble.

So there you have it.  Apparently I need to start a header called "Issue of the Week" because I am such a mess that there very well may be new drama every week.

But I thank my readers for being supportive and also want to give a shout out to my new blog followers!  Thanks for helping me get through this darn decade!  Is it over yet?

Have a great week!

THE DIVORCE DIRT 11/24 - BUY MY STUFF!

If I have any married boy readers, please hear this:  I'm not sure if this is "normal" for all soon-to-be-divorced women or if it was just me, but as soon as reality set in about getting divorced, I started shopping in my head around the house!  It wasn't anything anyone told me to do, and it wasn't necessarily intentional, but I noticed that I would walk around the house and think to myself, "Oh, I am definitely getting that!"

We decided to pull the plug in late August, and it only 3 weeks later I told Mr. Lange that if there was stuff that he knew he wanted, "you BEST put a list together because I'm shopping in my head and have no problem taking all the good chit!"

Where does that come from?  As I analyze myself every second of the day, I think it has to do with being the lead on all things decor and furnishing - it's the chick who puts in the effort to make a nice home for her man/family.  I think guys would be happy with a black leather couch with zebra stripes!  But when this happens, WHAM!  I became a territorial woman on a mission!!!

THEN, after discussing and dividing stuff, it turns out there's a lot of stuff accumulated over the years that nobody wants.  Or does someone want our crap?

TIME FOR A GARAGE SALE!

I never held a crap sale in my entire life, but went in full gear putting orange dots on almost everything we own, including two boxes of sandwich baggies from Costco!  Yes, this sold for a buck and I think it was one of the first items to go:

Hysterical!  I wasn't officially starting the sale until noon, but three minutes after I got back from my morning run, there was someone knocking at the door to look at furniture I mentioned in the ad.  I was warned about this from friends, but THEY WERE NOT KIDDING!  As soon as you let one person in, THEY ALL WANT IN!  It is unbelievable what people turn into during garage sales...goodness! 

• There are professional garage salers that are like the Tazmanian Devil throwing tons of stuff in a pile in about three seconds. 
• There are the nudgy people who gather 5 things and ask what kind of a deal they can get (seriously?  each item is a buck and you want all 5 things for $3?  It's five bucks.)
• There are those ready to bid higher when they realize something is in someone else's pile.
• There are the people that will take anything, including a candle that was almost all used up.
• Then there are people that try to buy things that aren't on sale.  I had a space heater in the basement that did NOT have an orange dot, but ended up selling it for a few bucks.  May as well!

So the garage sale was over before my noon start time, was a complete success, and I will never, ever do that again!  Here is a "see-ya!" photo from after the sale...notice the subtle send-off that I just couldn't resist:

So that's my update for the week!  No new drama with boys, thank goodness!  I'm trying to not make eye contact with anyone and that seems to be working.  LOOK AT NO ONE!

The holidays already blow, but I'm happy to head home to spend time with my family - mom gets me both holidays this year!

So have a great Thanksgiving and hope you all have something to be thankful for!

-P

THE DIVORCE DIRT - 11/13/09

First I would like to thank those who replied with notes of support and also advice on telling boys I'm not interested.  A couple of favorites:

"Be bitter whenever you need to in that blog -- you've earned the right, and it's your blog, about your experience, including the real ups and downs of your own emotions; don't censor them. If you can't b*tch on the internet, where can you bitch these days?

 And Single Patti and Married Patti are, deep down where it counts the most, the same person -- only, among other things, Single Patti doesn't have to wash anyone else's dirty underwear anymore. ;)"

"1) Can't go to a bar alone.. Let alone during a football game.. DUH!!!!
2) Just tell them you have a boyfriend or your a lezzie or you have p*nis.... that way you don't have to give out the number.. DUH!!!"


MOVING FORWARD
Today, a divorced-remarried and happy-now mother offered advice to learn from the past 15 years with my soon-to-be ex and grow from it, as opposed to being bitter and going into a hole and forever being single.  Basically said to embrace the divorce.  Which, while I do feel bitter right now, I also believe that I am already learning from the experience.

One of the first things I've learned is to actually SPEAK UP instead of doing what I was trained to do since childhood and shove every issue under a rug.

So I very much pity any future boys that I may go out with. There are YEARS of pent up thoughts just waiting to get out!

Full Disclosure is my new motto.

Already learning!

I also decided this week that I will need boys to fill out an application, and that will solve a number of problems!

Boy: "hey, may I get your number"

Patti: "well, my policy is that you must first fill out this application for approval, submit online, and I will be in touch if you meet the criteria."

Help me with the questionnaire, please! Here are a few thought starters:

* Are you married?

* Do you have a girlfriend?

* Are you married AND have a girlfriend?

* When flying, do you assume the armrest is for dudes only? Both armrests?

* Do you hike, bike, run, swim, or have other outdoor sports interests?

* How often do you work past 9pm?

* How often do you travel for work, and typically how many days on average per trip?

* How often do you travel for leisure?

* Do you think you have a large gut?

* Do you think you have a somewhat round, but you think cute, gut?

* Do you honestly have a gut?

(Let's be honest...I hate looking at my body and I work out as much as possible, so I don't want to hate the dude's body, too...a round gut is a deal breaker)

* What type of health plan and coverage do you have?

(The divorced girls and I realized that this is a MUST on the application since our health plan is changing next year and our plans are no longer top notch)

* Do you floss? If so, how often?

* What do you like about yourself?

Okay, so I think that should get things started.

Feedback?  Well, feedback other than noting that I am shallow, because that would not be news to me. AND I'm not even divorced yet (news to the soon-to-be ex), so don't bring me down by throwing out that moral crap!

Gotta have FUN, people...light in darkness...

Have a great weekend and I'll try to not blog twice in one week unless something juicy happens!

(Please feel free to Unsubscribe at any time!)

THE VERY FIRST DIVORCE DIRT BY PATTI LANGE!

Hello, former BLIRT and former THE DIRTy readers!

First, some housekeeping:

a)  I am changing it up a bit and will now be blogging - occasionally - about what a 38 year old woman goes through when she's getting divorced and starting life over.  If you do NOT want to get these emails, please Unsubscribe with the link at the bottom of the page, or just please reply and ask me to delete your name from the distribution.  Easy Peasy.

b) I intend this new blog to be entertaining, but I imagine I will be a bitter hag for a while before life is funny all the time again.  In the meantime, I promise to try to be light when telling about my experiences.

c) If you are not getting the daily celeb headlines, but that is all you want from me, FINE!  I still send them out, but I don't put them up on a blog and only send out via email.  Please send me a note with the email address where you want to receive the celeb gossip.

NOW, LET'S GET THIS DIVORCE DIRT GOING!

What should be every woman's first purchase when she's getting divorced?  A TOOL BAG OF MY VERY OWN!

I am officially IN THE MIDDLE of a divorce and the marriage is not officially dissolved yet, BUT I just learned that dudes apparently cannot wait to tell single chicks they are "DIVORCED," which is exactly what the soon-to-be ex is already doing.  How do I feel?  Bitter?  Heck yeah!  I guess I should have known early on when he wanted us to take our rings off one week after deciding to get divorced back in August so "we can both get used to it."  I have many bitter thoughts in my head, but writing them will only make this blog about him when CLEARLY my blog needs to be about ME!

Since taking off the ring, I've been going through a major identity crisis.  I have known Married Patti for over 12 years, but who is this Single Patti girl and how is she supposed to act in public?  I have learned that I have a very flirtatious personality (I guess I should have listened to Mrs. Olivea in high school Spanish class who used to call me "flirty girl"!), so while I think I'm being entertaining, when there is no ring on the finger it can very easily be misunderstood.  There's a good chance I've tried to pick up about 7 guys in the past two months without even knowing I'm trying to pick them up!!!  haha!


Apparently it was misunderstood this afternoon as I sat at a bar by myself watching football.  

• LESSON #1 is that chicks cannot sit at a bar alone ever!  I was just sitting there enjoying my new hobby of watching the Miami Dolphins lose football games, when a dude sits down at the empty table right next to me and says, 'how you doin'?'
• LESSON #2 is that I need to learn to DECLINE giving out my number to perfect strangers!!!  The guy was nice enough, but I'm not even divorced yet, I'm completely unstable and have zero interest in "getting to know" any member of the opposite sex for the rest of my life.  But after making me chit chat for the entire 4th quarter, he was on his way out and said it would be fun to catch a college game together sometime.  SO I SAY, "Oh, fun...yeah." and then he asked for my card.

I WAS JUST TELLING A BUDDY OF MINE THAT I NEED TO LEARN TO GIVE OUT A FAKE NUMBER!  How do you do that?  I'm not a fan of lying, and I find giving out a wrong number very hurtful.  I also sucked at it in college and then ended up always trying to blow off the bozo who I gave my number to.  This time I was thrown off with the 'do you have a card?' question.  I didn't have a card in college!

I REALLY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS and am going to have to practice just saying, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested."  How hard can that be???  It's five little words.


My homework until the next blog is to practice those five little words!


So there is your first installment of the DIVORCE DIRT.  I hope it evolves into fun stories of dating if I ever decide to go that route again - pity the guys that say, "how you doin'" if that gets going.


Have a great week!