THE DIVORCE DIRT 11/24 - BUY MY STUFF!

If I have any married boy readers, please hear this:  I'm not sure if this is "normal" for all soon-to-be-divorced women or if it was just me, but as soon as reality set in about getting divorced, I started shopping in my head around the house!  It wasn't anything anyone told me to do, and it wasn't necessarily intentional, but I noticed that I would walk around the house and think to myself, "Oh, I am definitely getting that!"

We decided to pull the plug in late August, and it only 3 weeks later I told Mr. Lange that if there was stuff that he knew he wanted, "you BEST put a list together because I'm shopping in my head and have no problem taking all the good chit!"

Where does that come from?  As I analyze myself every second of the day, I think it has to do with being the lead on all things decor and furnishing - it's the chick who puts in the effort to make a nice home for her man/family.  I think guys would be happy with a black leather couch with zebra stripes!  But when this happens, WHAM!  I became a territorial woman on a mission!!!

THEN, after discussing and dividing stuff, it turns out there's a lot of stuff accumulated over the years that nobody wants.  Or does someone want our crap?

TIME FOR A GARAGE SALE!

I never held a crap sale in my entire life, but went in full gear putting orange dots on almost everything we own, including two boxes of sandwich baggies from Costco!  Yes, this sold for a buck and I think it was one of the first items to go:

Hysterical!  I wasn't officially starting the sale until noon, but three minutes after I got back from my morning run, there was someone knocking at the door to look at furniture I mentioned in the ad.  I was warned about this from friends, but THEY WERE NOT KIDDING!  As soon as you let one person in, THEY ALL WANT IN!  It is unbelievable what people turn into during garage sales...goodness! 

• There are professional garage salers that are like the Tazmanian Devil throwing tons of stuff in a pile in about three seconds. 
• There are the nudgy people who gather 5 things and ask what kind of a deal they can get (seriously?  each item is a buck and you want all 5 things for $3?  It's five bucks.)
• There are those ready to bid higher when they realize something is in someone else's pile.
• There are the people that will take anything, including a candle that was almost all used up.
• Then there are people that try to buy things that aren't on sale.  I had a space heater in the basement that did NOT have an orange dot, but ended up selling it for a few bucks.  May as well!

So the garage sale was over before my noon start time, was a complete success, and I will never, ever do that again!  Here is a "see-ya!" photo from after the sale...notice the subtle send-off that I just couldn't resist:

So that's my update for the week!  No new drama with boys, thank goodness!  I'm trying to not make eye contact with anyone and that seems to be working.  LOOK AT NO ONE!

The holidays already blow, but I'm happy to head home to spend time with my family - mom gets me both holidays this year!

So have a great Thanksgiving and hope you all have something to be thankful for!

-P

THE DIVORCE DIRT - 11/13/09

First I would like to thank those who replied with notes of support and also advice on telling boys I'm not interested.  A couple of favorites:

"Be bitter whenever you need to in that blog -- you've earned the right, and it's your blog, about your experience, including the real ups and downs of your own emotions; don't censor them. If you can't b*tch on the internet, where can you bitch these days?

 And Single Patti and Married Patti are, deep down where it counts the most, the same person -- only, among other things, Single Patti doesn't have to wash anyone else's dirty underwear anymore. ;)"

"1) Can't go to a bar alone.. Let alone during a football game.. DUH!!!!
2) Just tell them you have a boyfriend or your a lezzie or you have p*nis.... that way you don't have to give out the number.. DUH!!!"


MOVING FORWARD
Today, a divorced-remarried and happy-now mother offered advice to learn from the past 15 years with my soon-to-be ex and grow from it, as opposed to being bitter and going into a hole and forever being single.  Basically said to embrace the divorce.  Which, while I do feel bitter right now, I also believe that I am already learning from the experience.

One of the first things I've learned is to actually SPEAK UP instead of doing what I was trained to do since childhood and shove every issue under a rug.

So I very much pity any future boys that I may go out with. There are YEARS of pent up thoughts just waiting to get out!

Full Disclosure is my new motto.

Already learning!

I also decided this week that I will need boys to fill out an application, and that will solve a number of problems!

Boy: "hey, may I get your number"

Patti: "well, my policy is that you must first fill out this application for approval, submit online, and I will be in touch if you meet the criteria."

Help me with the questionnaire, please! Here are a few thought starters:

* Are you married?

* Do you have a girlfriend?

* Are you married AND have a girlfriend?

* When flying, do you assume the armrest is for dudes only? Both armrests?

* Do you hike, bike, run, swim, or have other outdoor sports interests?

* How often do you work past 9pm?

* How often do you travel for work, and typically how many days on average per trip?

* How often do you travel for leisure?

* Do you think you have a large gut?

* Do you think you have a somewhat round, but you think cute, gut?

* Do you honestly have a gut?

(Let's be honest...I hate looking at my body and I work out as much as possible, so I don't want to hate the dude's body, too...a round gut is a deal breaker)

* What type of health plan and coverage do you have?

(The divorced girls and I realized that this is a MUST on the application since our health plan is changing next year and our plans are no longer top notch)

* Do you floss? If so, how often?

* What do you like about yourself?

Okay, so I think that should get things started.

Feedback?  Well, feedback other than noting that I am shallow, because that would not be news to me. AND I'm not even divorced yet (news to the soon-to-be ex), so don't bring me down by throwing out that moral crap!

Gotta have FUN, people...light in darkness...

Have a great weekend and I'll try to not blog twice in one week unless something juicy happens!

(Please feel free to Unsubscribe at any time!)

THE VERY FIRST DIVORCE DIRT BY PATTI LANGE!

Hello, former BLIRT and former THE DIRTy readers!

First, some housekeeping:

a)  I am changing it up a bit and will now be blogging - occasionally - about what a 38 year old woman goes through when she's getting divorced and starting life over.  If you do NOT want to get these emails, please Unsubscribe with the link at the bottom of the page, or just please reply and ask me to delete your name from the distribution.  Easy Peasy.

b) I intend this new blog to be entertaining, but I imagine I will be a bitter hag for a while before life is funny all the time again.  In the meantime, I promise to try to be light when telling about my experiences.

c) If you are not getting the daily celeb headlines, but that is all you want from me, FINE!  I still send them out, but I don't put them up on a blog and only send out via email.  Please send me a note with the email address where you want to receive the celeb gossip.

NOW, LET'S GET THIS DIVORCE DIRT GOING!

What should be every woman's first purchase when she's getting divorced?  A TOOL BAG OF MY VERY OWN!

I am officially IN THE MIDDLE of a divorce and the marriage is not officially dissolved yet, BUT I just learned that dudes apparently cannot wait to tell single chicks they are "DIVORCED," which is exactly what the soon-to-be ex is already doing.  How do I feel?  Bitter?  Heck yeah!  I guess I should have known early on when he wanted us to take our rings off one week after deciding to get divorced back in August so "we can both get used to it."  I have many bitter thoughts in my head, but writing them will only make this blog about him when CLEARLY my blog needs to be about ME!

Since taking off the ring, I've been going through a major identity crisis.  I have known Married Patti for over 12 years, but who is this Single Patti girl and how is she supposed to act in public?  I have learned that I have a very flirtatious personality (I guess I should have listened to Mrs. Olivea in high school Spanish class who used to call me "flirty girl"!), so while I think I'm being entertaining, when there is no ring on the finger it can very easily be misunderstood.  There's a good chance I've tried to pick up about 7 guys in the past two months without even knowing I'm trying to pick them up!!!  haha!


Apparently it was misunderstood this afternoon as I sat at a bar by myself watching football.  

• LESSON #1 is that chicks cannot sit at a bar alone ever!  I was just sitting there enjoying my new hobby of watching the Miami Dolphins lose football games, when a dude sits down at the empty table right next to me and says, 'how you doin'?'
• LESSON #2 is that I need to learn to DECLINE giving out my number to perfect strangers!!!  The guy was nice enough, but I'm not even divorced yet, I'm completely unstable and have zero interest in "getting to know" any member of the opposite sex for the rest of my life.  But after making me chit chat for the entire 4th quarter, he was on his way out and said it would be fun to catch a college game together sometime.  SO I SAY, "Oh, fun...yeah." and then he asked for my card.

I WAS JUST TELLING A BUDDY OF MINE THAT I NEED TO LEARN TO GIVE OUT A FAKE NUMBER!  How do you do that?  I'm not a fan of lying, and I find giving out a wrong number very hurtful.  I also sucked at it in college and then ended up always trying to blow off the bozo who I gave my number to.  This time I was thrown off with the 'do you have a card?' question.  I didn't have a card in college!

I REALLY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS and am going to have to practice just saying, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested."  How hard can that be???  It's five little words.


My homework until the next blog is to practice those five little words!


So there is your first installment of the DIVORCE DIRT.  I hope it evolves into fun stories of dating if I ever decide to go that route again - pity the guys that say, "how you doin'" if that gets going.


Have a great week!