THE DIVORCE DIRT 12/31/09 & Please Let 2010 Go Uphill!

Wow.  The end of 2009 is finally here and I am one of the many people who are hoping that 2010 will be a better, more positive, uphill and happy year!  Of course, tomorrow will not be a magic day where everything suddenly feels beautiful, but I do have hope that the sadness will start to go away and that I will take what I learned in this downward spiral year and hopefully move forward and be on the road to recovery.

Goodbye, 2009!  It's the year where cancer finally took my dad, the year where I thought in Feb that my marriage could be fixed, only to realize in April that it was beyond repair.  The year I dreaded getting out of bed almost every day and the year I cried more than I ever thought this tough chick would be able to cry.

But it's a year where I learned....oh, I learned!  And I would like to toast the things I learned about myself and about divorce:

• It's not just me - so many people are divorced, getting divorced, in unhappy marriages and just sucking it up, cheating on spouses, trying to cheat on spouses, emailing flirtations on facebook and thinking it's not cheating if there's no physical cheating (it's still cheating), lying, believing their own lies, etc.
• I grew up shoving everything under the rug, but if you do that the rug only gets taller and eventually you can't even walk on the rug and it self combusts!
• Honesty is tough, but it's the only thing that will ever keep trust in a relationship of any sort.
• No matter how close your friends are, your relationships will change and you will cherish the people who reach out to you when you don't have the energy to reach out to anyone and all you want to do is cry in bed all day.
• No friend can really help you through a divorce unless they have also been through one.  Your friends will change, but only for the better.
• When you feel like you're crazy and not normal and the world is ending, it is incredibly helpful to hear a divorced friend say, "Oh, yeah...I went through that...it's NORMAL"!
• Every girl needs a gay!
• Music rocks and "mix tapes" are important so you can listen to Miley Cyrus instead of flipping through sad songs on the radio.
• Sometimes you need to be yelled at!  My favorite thing is during a downward spiral when my loving girlfriend screamed at me to GET A GRIP and it totally worked!

Personally, I learned that I am tired of being a Planner and a Caretaker.  I take care of my family, my clients, my work, my life...which most of the time I love to do, honestly.  But to do it all the time is exhausting and it's time to be selfish for a change.  I want people in my life who make me excited about life.  Who wake my a$$ up at 6am to get up and get going for some awesome adventure.

In 2010 I'm going to think about getting a dog.  A Vizla that I can run with and go hiking with and just hang out with.  I'm going to join a biking group and explore with new friends.  I'm going to take more time to relax and just chill with my old buddies.

So BE GONE 2009!  Let's start this new decade with positive thoughts and start moving forward.

May everyone have a very happy and healthy holiday weekend and a great, great, great 2010!

THE DIVORCE DIRT 12/18 & FIRST NIGHT OUT

You know it was a good night when you wake up the next morning and your clothes are thrown on the floor throughout different rooms and you don't really remember most of how you got home!

BUT nothing scandalous happened (then why am I writing?)...it was just a great fun night out with buddies and was my first bar experience out as Single Patti after the divorce went through on Monday.

Highlights from the evening:

• The girls were singing Beyonce's "all the single ladies" tune at the beginning of the night and it is still pounding in my head.
• A not-attractive guy wearing a suit in a bar (really?  can you at least lose the tie?  full suit, really?) brushed up behind me and as a pick up line said, "I know you did that on purpose!" and I looked at him confused and said, "huh?  what are you talking about?" and he tried to explain that I somehow brushed up on him on purpose.  I think I said something to the effect of, "no, I don't believe I did" and didn't get that it was a pick up line until I brushed him off and my buddies explained to me what happened.  Hysterical.
• The girls also pointed out that a dude was checking me out and apparently you're not supposed to look, so I asked if he was at least cute.  They said he was sort of cute, so I looked and was horrified that they thought I would think he was cute.  Thank you, girls.  They then tried to save themselves by saying I can do a lot better.  I really hope that's true when I start to have interest in boys.
• After a few lychee martinis I somehow lost all filters (not that I have many to begin with) and was trying to get by a group of people when I said to one guy that looked like he wasn't old enough to be in the bar, "Excuse me little boy!"  That didn't go over very well and I got a nice "F.U." and decided it was time to go home.

Lessons from the night are that a) boys are gross and b) there is no reason to go back to Cellar Bar at Bryant Park Hotel ever.

I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve at Union Cattle Co in Hermosa Beach, so if you'd like to join me for more Single Patti adventures it should be a fun night - Google it and buy a ticket online now!!

Happy Friday and have a lovely weekend!

THE DIVORCE DIRT - DIVORCE DAY & AN ODE TO JONATHAN LANGE

Before I get started, two things:
1) I have to say, once again, if you don't want to get the newly formed Divorce Dirt rant, please feel free to 'unsubscribe' at the bottom of the email - I understand you signed  up for an entirely different celeb blog, and this has taken a couple of forms since then, so I will not take offense!  And if you want "the headlines" that are now on email, please reply to this and I will happily add you to that distribution.

2)  I am 10 hours away from my final divorce court appearance, so I'm not able to be fun(ny) tonight, but instead feel like relfecting on a few things that i've been thinking about the past few days. 

My divorce court appearance is tomorrow at 9am, and it's 11:30pm the night prior.  AND I AM A WRECK!

I went out with an awesome buddy of mine last night, with her guy and another couple, and I was just fine being a 5th wheel.  In fact, it felt great to get out of my cocoon for a change and I think I did pretty well.  Then spent the night at her house and woke up this morning needing to drive out of the mountains early before a crazy snow storm hit the Northeast.

Well, I was 30 minutes into my hour drive home when the light rain started and quickly formed ICE on the highway.  My rear wheel drive Honda S2000 is less than equipped to drive in any inclement weather, so I started to freak out.  And who is the only person who knows my car and knows how to drive in this weather?

Yes, of course it's the "soon to be" ex.  For 15+ years, he's been the one to call to get advice on how to handle normal life situations.  If he weren't around, do we think I could have handled it on my own?  TOTALLY!!!  But sometimes moral support and emotional guidance is what is really needed.  And this is one thing that I am terrified of not having as "Single Patti."

So I called him...crying like a baby on the phone, freaking out.  He talked me down from the ledge and guided me to a safe, secure location where I waited out the storm until the temperature heated up above freezing.  I won't get into the fact that two hours later I locked my key in the trunk of my car and I needed to call him crying my eyes out again and made him drive an hour out of his way to bring my spare, but let's just say it happened, and I've been crying my eyes out for the rest of the afternoon.  In front of him...while he finishes packing his chit.  After the past few months, there is no doubt in my mind that he will only remember me as hysterical crying Patti and won't ever remember the happy Patti, fun girl that I think I used to be.  Good times.

But the drama of the day lead to me think about our life together, and the only things I can remember right now are the good times, not the bad.  So below is a list of things that I will miss about life as I have known it for the majority of my adulthood.  As much as I want to hate him, he's the most wonderful guy I could have ever asked for in my life and has been my best friend for 15+ years.  So here is a list of just a few things that I will miss about him, in no particular order:

• He's one of the smartest guys I've ever met, with book smarts and also street smarts, so he brings a different (and always intelligent) angle to every situation.
• He has "Big American Teeth" (quote from our British friend, Justin) and a great smile that lights up a room.
• He was always fun.
• He was always funny.
• He would do anything for my mom, and would let me do anything for her, no questions asked.
• My niece was his niece, and probably one of his most favorite people in the world.
• He is awesome at his job - perhaps a contributor to the downfall of our marriage, but a reason I loved him, nonetheless.
• He was always up for the crazy trips I would plan.
• He was so much fun to travel with and loved when I found those old school hot apple pies in foreign countries (they used to serve at McDonald's in the U.S. back in the day, but we found them at Wendy's in Greece and McDonald's in Costa Rica, for instance).  He laughed at me for it, but he knew it was such a treat to find.
• He was always up for whatever trip I wanted to take, whatever party I wanted to have, whatever sport I wanted to try.  He always seemed excited about the crazy crap I came up with.
• There were many years where he would look at me, and I knew he adored me even if I was nasty and sweaty and didn't have any make up on.  He had that look in his eye and I felt so very loved when he looked at me like that.
• He let me be me.

So there you have it.  Reasons why we were married for over 12 years.  Nights like tonight I forget why we're getting divorced, so that's the hardest part.  There are many reasons, I know, but they're not always front & center.

Nothing funny tonight, I'm sorry.  But in case anyone is going through a rough patch, I recommend taking inventory of all the good things in your relationship and appreciating the small stuff for a little bit.

Signing OFF!
Dr. Patti

THE DIVORCE DIRT 12/7 & PUCKER UP PATTI? OH, NO...

I would like to open with a FB status-themed note and then won't harp on it in the post afterwards:

Patti Lange thinks it is the most hurtful feeling in the world when someone you've spent most of your adult life with, and trusted more than anyone else in life, looks you squarely in the eyes and flat out lies.

Because of events over the past year, I now say, "let's be honest" more often than I should, and I think I mentioned before, but I'm all about "full disclosure" and speaking my mind...even if you don't like what comes out of my mouth.  I feel like I just don't care about a filter or edit button anymore.  It's my opinion, and if you disagree, then speak your mind and I will try to appreciate your perspective.

I'm pretty certain that I'm losing friends by the day from it! :)

Anyway, D-Day is one week from today and I'm feeling a little bit of relief that this will soon be over, but also a lot of bitterness and sadness that this will soon be over.

To help with the sadness, I have to share a poem that I came upon while cleaning out files - it's a bit ironic, if you think about it.  This was written by co-workers in Miami and the timing was the summer before I started dating my husband.  If anything good is to come out of the past 15 years, let's look at it as he apparently saved me from myself!

Read and enjoy, and hope & pray that Round Two of life will not be the train wreck that it apparently was back in 1994!  Oh...and I need to clarify that I was not a full-on tramp (my niece assumed I was a Ho after reading this) and I only kissed boys that summer on South Beach.

Enjoy the Ode to Pucker Up Patti and have a great Monday!

THE DIVORCE DIRT - 12/1/09 & DANG I MAY BE A COUGAR!

I have to tell you I may be in love with a straight man!

Don't get me wrong, Barrett is still my #1 favorite man on the planet and he will forever be the best gay boyfriend a girl can have!  Case in point:  last week on Facebook he sent a relationship request to be my boyfriend, which...DUH...I accepted without hesitation, but couldn't stop laughing that he noted we are in an open relationship.  COME ON!  It doesn't get any better than that!  Today I think he got upset that I was talking to another gay man, though.  If you're in an open relationship with a gay man, doesn't that mean that you're allowed to talk to other gay men?

Oh, hold on, maybe he was upset about me being buddies with a hetero chick...that makes more sense.

Anyway, I just started watching Glee and am in love.  In the second episode there's a scene where the (hot) teacher guy (Matther Morrison) has the Glee Club sing Gold Digger by Kanye West.  Yes, I know Kanye has a bad rep right now, but that song is ROCKIN' and watching the (hot) teacher guy dance and sing to it made me a little bit boy crazy for him!  It's true.  As sad as I am, as much as I cry and wish my life were back to what is was years ago, I am still hot for teacher!  I've always been a sucker for the cute geeky guys...look him up, girls, because he fits the bill!  Oh, how he fits the bill!

Ahhh...geez...no gauge for age!  COUGAR...GROWL!
So I tell my sister and my 17 yr old niece about my crush, and BOTH of them say, "geez...that guy's wayyyyy too young for you and must be, like, 26 years old!"  I thought for sure he was my age and looked him up.  He is 31 years old.  I'm 38.  WHICH BRINGS ME TO YET ANOTHER ISSUE I HAVE WITH MYSELF!!!  I have no gauge for age!  I just may be too old to recognize how old people are.  Chit.  That is not going to be helpful if I ever start dating straight men.

BAGGAGE
Yes, it's true.  I am piling up baggage by the day!  First I don't know how to act in public without wearing a wedding band (on an aside, I just bought a ring for my left hand on Saturday, and lost it on the subway today...guess I can't play tricks with my own head and get away with it...chit.), I don't know who this "single Patti" girl is, I cry if I get the wrong change at the grocery store, I only want to be friends with gay men and divorced bitter hag chicks, and I now realize I have no capacity to tell how old a guy is.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ANYMORE? There are so many creams for men on the market now - is it even possible to figure out how old someone is before having to actually ask?

I'm going to have a heart attack.  I'm in so much trouble.

So there you have it.  Apparently I need to start a header called "Issue of the Week" because I am such a mess that there very well may be new drama every week.

But I thank my readers for being supportive and also want to give a shout out to my new blog followers!  Thanks for helping me get through this darn decade!  Is it over yet?

Have a great week!