After writing about being "outed" by Darkness last month, a DIRTy reader replied with some great advice that I think applies to everyone and not just divorced chicks:
I didn't get married till I was 34 (and my husband was 42) 'cause all I ever met were slimeballs (until I met my husband), and I really lucked out in the husband department but that's because I never lost the faith that there was a still a decent guy out there.
I suggest you keep a notebook and start listing all the qualities that are "must-haves" in a mate. You can also list "like-to-have" qualities or characteristics as well (physical attributes), but the "must-haves" are the most important items. In a short story that I wrote once about this exact topic, I called my notebook "Committing Your Man (To Paper)" because I find that the written word is much more powerful than just wishing for these things in your head, and sort of cements your wishes to the universe (without trying to be all religious/spiritual, blah, blah, blah). It took years to complete my notebook (but I did start it when I was in my early twenties) - every time I met someone new, I would think about the qualities that I found most endearing about them, and if I had to have those qualities in a mate, I would add them to my book. Once the book was complete, I left it in the drawer and almost forgot about it (only you will know when you've listed everything you need in a mate), until one day it dawned on me that my boyfriend at the time (who is now my husband) had every "must-have" on my list AND every "like-to-have" except for "taller than a soda machine" (yes, I did list that! I'm 5'9" and my husband is only one inch taller than me, but I always dated much taller men because I was so tall).
I think that's such a sweet story and also an interesting idea! So here's my list so far from the three boys I've met this year (I thank my Darkness once again for "outing" me from the black hole I was in for months), and please note that I reserve the right to change/update the list at any time as I get to know myself, as well.
MUST:
Make me laugh (non-negotiable). And I'm not just talking about stupid slapstick comedy. I'm talking about smart comments/banter that keeps me on my toes and makes me think in a different way. That's not saying I don't love a total goofball - I absolutely appreciate someone who will be goofy on a whim, like jumping into a fountain with his clothes on and not caring who's watching or what people think. That just makes life plain fun!
Be Honest. I think real honesty is tough to find in people, in general, and I thought it would take a very long time to ever trust a guy again. Then, BAM! The universe threw someone at me right away who is the most honest and open of any guy I've ever met in my life. Because of him I also see that some people think/say they're honest, but they may not even be honest with themselves.
It's funny how you learn about your own life through other people...
So that's it for now - just two Must Haves to get started. I know that these two will always be at the top of my list and I thank our DIRTy reader for sharing her story and advice!
Have a great day and I'll speak at ya again soon!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
THE DIVORCE DIRT & I Kissssssed a Boy & I Liked It! (how do you say "part two" in Slovak?
It's true. I did kiss a boy and I did like it very much! But the story is too fun(ny) to not tell.
Stats: Divorced for EXACTLY 5 MONTHS and 1 DAY on the night of the kiss.
Scene: Patti Lange dining alone on vacation and having a very lovely and fun night all by myself...my dinner plans had fallen through and I was just so very happy to eat pasta (really?? yes, I ate an entire bowl of carbs and didn't care...added chicken to it to make myself feel better, though), listen to tunes, play on facebook with my buddies and suck down a couple of lychee martinis and indulge in a humongous brownie sundae dessert.
Carbo-overload, seriously? I was in heaven and was bantering with the waiter and at some point I bantered with the table next to me for a short minute. I have zero recollection of what it was about, but it was FUN.
I was about to head back to my hotel when another lychee martini showed up on my table...from the couple sitting next to me that I had the short exchange with. They were a cute couple - the girl was blond and had a thick, Russian accent that I thought was very cool. When I thanked them for the drink and noted that I really did not need another drink, I think the girl said something in that most awesome Russian accent about never having too much vodka. I was too intoxicated to really remember what she said, but it was a nice gesture. And they suggested I join them, which my alone and drunk self was happy to chat with at that point.
FULL SPEED AHEAD
Turns out that the "couple" were really friends (or so they said) and time passed and she left and I somehow ended up sitting on his lap sucking his face off for what may have been hours. After all the divorce drama and missing my ex more than I ever thought was possible, I had no cares in the world that night.
He is from (former) Yugoslavia, has been living in the U.S. for roughly 10 years and is absolutely adorable. I have never heard of a name like "Darko," so I decided to call him "DARKNESS" all night. It's a name that I will adore for years to come because it represents a turning point in my divorce that I never thought was possible.
I'm not sure how it happened when I had zero interest in talking to boys for the rest of my life, but he was FUN and FUNNY and something (perhaps 3 lychee martinis???) made me sit on his lap at an outside table and not care at all about the world around me as I literally sucked his face off!!
STOP!
With the way I was kissing this guy, I don't blame him for thinking he was getting laid that night! Seriously, Pucker Up Patti was in FULL EFFECT like I've never known it in my life! But I kept telling him, and I was honest and serious about it, that I was NOT going to sleep with him! If I had been witness to what was going on, I wouldn't have believed me, either!!!!
At one point (after a second bar and a bottle of Proseco - really? an entire BOTTLE of Proseco??), we parted ways and I was walking to my hotel and realized that he was following me. So I stopped and waited and let him walk with me to my hotel, all the while telling him I was not going to sleep with him. I believe he may have mentioned at one point that we could do "other fun things" and drunk Patti thought that was a fine idea. "OKAY!!!!!"
So he came back to my room at the hotel. Not sure how this played out, but somehow HE WAS IN MY SHOWER and I suddenly had a light bulb go on in my head and thought, "OMG! He thinks we're having sex!" and realized that if he stayed, I was pretty sure that I would let things happen as they may.
Poor guy gets out of the shower and I looked him in the eye and said, "YOU NEED TO LEAVE" and he said, "excuse me?" So with a more stern (if possible) look, I said, "YOU NEED TO LEAVE...NOWWWW!!!!"
I have never seen anyone get dressed and bolt out of a room faster than Darkness did.
Long story short, he left so quickly that he left his very cute hat on the nightstand in my room:
I cannot lie when I say that I found an excuse to see him two nights later to return the hat. We spent 4 hours hanging out...laughing about the first night (he said he was waiting for me to join him in the shower! lmbo!) and how much of a crazy person I am (obviously!). But I went back to my hotel alone again. As much as went on, I still had no interest in being with a boy - especially a boy I didn't know anything about.
Fast forward a week later and there were a few fun(ny) exchanges via text, and I wanted nothing more than to book another weekend to see him again and "close the deal" when I realized that my crazy divorced head would have driven him nuts (see the blog with the guy guest correspondent to get the full inside scoop on bizarre behavior from divorced chicks) and that I am personally nuts for wanting to travel to see a guy that I don't even know anything about and who very well could KILL ME at any time!!!
I have to say...I think it is a fun(ny) story. And Darkness is a very cute boy who seems crazy smart (they say humor is the last thing picked up when you're not native to the country, and he is so funny it kills me) and I adore his banter and I love that he gave me chit and called me out for being insane.
I am still insane and my insanity ruined any future fun times, but Darkness made me happy for the first time in months.
I'm laughing again. All the time! And Darkness will always be light in my life.
Stats: Divorced for EXACTLY 5 MONTHS and 1 DAY on the night of the kiss.
Scene: Patti Lange dining alone on vacation and having a very lovely and fun night all by myself...my dinner plans had fallen through and I was just so very happy to eat pasta (really?? yes, I ate an entire bowl of carbs and didn't care...added chicken to it to make myself feel better, though), listen to tunes, play on facebook with my buddies and suck down a couple of lychee martinis and indulge in a humongous brownie sundae dessert.
Carbo-overload, seriously? I was in heaven and was bantering with the waiter and at some point I bantered with the table next to me for a short minute. I have zero recollection of what it was about, but it was FUN.
I was about to head back to my hotel when another lychee martini showed up on my table...from the couple sitting next to me that I had the short exchange with. They were a cute couple - the girl was blond and had a thick, Russian accent that I thought was very cool. When I thanked them for the drink and noted that I really did not need another drink, I think the girl said something in that most awesome Russian accent about never having too much vodka. I was too intoxicated to really remember what she said, but it was a nice gesture. And they suggested I join them, which my alone and drunk self was happy to chat with at that point.
FULL SPEED AHEAD
Turns out that the "couple" were really friends (or so they said) and time passed and she left and I somehow ended up sitting on his lap sucking his face off for what may have been hours. After all the divorce drama and missing my ex more than I ever thought was possible, I had no cares in the world that night.
He is from (former) Yugoslavia, has been living in the U.S. for roughly 10 years and is absolutely adorable. I have never heard of a name like "Darko," so I decided to call him "DARKNESS" all night. It's a name that I will adore for years to come because it represents a turning point in my divorce that I never thought was possible.
I'm not sure how it happened when I had zero interest in talking to boys for the rest of my life, but he was FUN and FUNNY and something (perhaps 3 lychee martinis???) made me sit on his lap at an outside table and not care at all about the world around me as I literally sucked his face off!!
STOP!
With the way I was kissing this guy, I don't blame him for thinking he was getting laid that night! Seriously, Pucker Up Patti was in FULL EFFECT like I've never known it in my life! But I kept telling him, and I was honest and serious about it, that I was NOT going to sleep with him! If I had been witness to what was going on, I wouldn't have believed me, either!!!!
At one point (after a second bar and a bottle of Proseco - really? an entire BOTTLE of Proseco??), we parted ways and I was walking to my hotel and realized that he was following me. So I stopped and waited and let him walk with me to my hotel, all the while telling him I was not going to sleep with him. I believe he may have mentioned at one point that we could do "other fun things" and drunk Patti thought that was a fine idea. "OKAY!!!!!"
So he came back to my room at the hotel. Not sure how this played out, but somehow HE WAS IN MY SHOWER and I suddenly had a light bulb go on in my head and thought, "OMG! He thinks we're having sex!" and realized that if he stayed, I was pretty sure that I would let things happen as they may.
Poor guy gets out of the shower and I looked him in the eye and said, "YOU NEED TO LEAVE" and he said, "excuse me?" So with a more stern (if possible) look, I said, "YOU NEED TO LEAVE...NOWWWW!!!!"
I have never seen anyone get dressed and bolt out of a room faster than Darkness did.
Long story short, he left so quickly that he left his very cute hat on the nightstand in my room:
I cannot lie when I say that I found an excuse to see him two nights later to return the hat. We spent 4 hours hanging out...laughing about the first night (he said he was waiting for me to join him in the shower! lmbo!) and how much of a crazy person I am (obviously!). But I went back to my hotel alone again. As much as went on, I still had no interest in being with a boy - especially a boy I didn't know anything about.
Fast forward a week later and there were a few fun(ny) exchanges via text, and I wanted nothing more than to book another weekend to see him again and "close the deal" when I realized that my crazy divorced head would have driven him nuts (see the blog with the guy guest correspondent to get the full inside scoop on bizarre behavior from divorced chicks) and that I am personally nuts for wanting to travel to see a guy that I don't even know anything about and who very well could KILL ME at any time!!!
I have to say...I think it is a fun(ny) story. And Darkness is a very cute boy who seems crazy smart (they say humor is the last thing picked up when you're not native to the country, and he is so funny it kills me) and I adore his banter and I love that he gave me chit and called me out for being insane.
I am still insane and my insanity ruined any future fun times, but Darkness made me happy for the first time in months.
I'm laughing again. All the time! And Darkness will always be light in my life.
THE DIVORCE DIRT & I Kissssssed a Boy & I Liked It!
Not to be too much of a tease with that headline, but I can do whatever I want when I write, WHICH IS WHY I WRITE...and it is a bit of a tease for this first post this evening! But I have two blogs that I will write/post tonight, so bear with me...one shows two people (me and a friend) who are going through similar chit but are about 4 months apart in what hey're wallowing in (perhaps only divorced chicks will be able to relate), and the second is about the insanity in my life and a first step in starting over.
Both blogs are going to be ridiculously long, so feel free to Unsubscribe and delete me if it's too annoying!! :) On the flip side, if you're going through this and want to add content, please feel free to email back to me or to make comments. Open forum.
PART I: SOUNDS FAMILIAR:
I first sent my friend a note to check in since I hadn't chatted with her in weeks, and to FRIENDS OF DIVORCED CHICKS, PLEASE NOTE: There is NO WAY your friend will ever reach out to you during a divorce!!! You have to be the one to reach out and tell her (as my friend, Stefani did one day), "btch, you're meeting me for lunch and it is not up for discussion." And even if you leave a voice mail on our phones that you're thinking about us (as my friend D did), it means the world even if we don't have the capacity to return the call.
We really do go into a hole and there is absolutely NOT A CHANCE IN HELL that we will call you to talk because we're sad or lonely or crying our eyes out...we don't want to talk to anyone during this time, but we really do have to do it and our friends need to make us do it!
But I wanted to print my friend's reply since it speaks to a lot of exactly what I was feeling before I started blogging (to start on the same page, my note to her mentioned I just moved in with a friend a few weeks ago and that friend has saved me from myself, basically). Here note is in red-ish and I'll keep my comments in blue.
"Thanks so much for writing. I can't tell you how great it is to hear from you, especially when I'm just starting the shit-ass journey that you've already taken, and your positivity and energy is absolutely inspiring.
Like you, I've moved into a new flat with a roommate since about two weeks ago. It IS a different life. I didn't plan to be a single girl in London, with a few friends and no family, but the people that ARE around have been amazingly supportive and caring. Like the girls on my dental nurse training course with me, and my tutors on the course (told you I swapped industries).
I just met them a few months ago, and I can't imagine why or how they care so much, but they do. For instance, on my birthday (which was seventeen days after [THE EX] dropped me off at a friend's house with my stuff in some plastic bags and a suitcase) they knew I didn't have any plans, so they threw me a surprise party at our local pub and baked me a cake. I was astounded. And humbled. They've held me when I broke down in tears on the clinic floor, called me for study dates, made dinner and drink plans, just sent me texts to let me know they're thinking of me...they're really getting me through this. I just don't feel so alone - which is ridiculous, because you and I both know we have lots of people that love us. Why the disappearance of our erstwhile husbands from our lives can make us feel so unloved and alone, or why THEY should be the great measurement of whether or not we're lovable...but there it is. And little daily reminders that I'm not alone - that even relative strangers think I'm lovable and worthwhile, and even you whom I haven't seen in years care enough to write - are absolutely saving my life.
I hear you about not wanting to wallow, too. I dread the time between end of work and going to work, because I've got too much fucking time to THINK. I used to be a night person and now I live for the days...I know it won't always be like this but right now I ain't sleepin' so well. THAT'S a good question for you...what do you do when you can't sleep?"
Lange Reply:
"what you wrote is alllllll very familiar, it's just so bizarre that we all go through the same shit.
I couldn't sleep in the beginning, either, and ended up turning into crazy download-music-girl and searched for new tunes and downloaded and burned cd's ALL THE TIME! It kept my mind from thinking. I couldn't read books or magazines and I couldn't even sit through a 30 minute sitcom. Just could not pay attention.
Facebook was a good distraction, also - did a lot of reading status updates and making comments. It was on ALL THE TIME and there was something comforting about being "social" on it when I had zero desire to be social. And as much as I prefer to make funny status comments, some days my updates were very dark and it was nice to hear people say they loved me and to hang in there."
SOOOOO....THERE IT IS. It's not just this buddy of mine who is feeling this or has felt it. But I thank her for letting me post her email. I think it's helpful to us "divorced chicks" to know that it is NORMAL! I still laugh at that word more than you can imagine. Frickin' NORMAL!
There was more banter with me and my buddy, but I'm going to save some of it and get to a fun(ny) story for a change. As my man, Jay-Z, says, "ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!"
Both blogs are going to be ridiculously long, so feel free to Unsubscribe and delete me if it's too annoying!! :) On the flip side, if you're going through this and want to add content, please feel free to email back to me or to make comments. Open forum.
PART I: SOUNDS FAMILIAR:
I first sent my friend a note to check in since I hadn't chatted with her in weeks, and to FRIENDS OF DIVORCED CHICKS, PLEASE NOTE: There is NO WAY your friend will ever reach out to you during a divorce!!! You have to be the one to reach out and tell her (as my friend, Stefani did one day), "btch, you're meeting me for lunch and it is not up for discussion." And even if you leave a voice mail on our phones that you're thinking about us (as my friend D did), it means the world even if we don't have the capacity to return the call.
We really do go into a hole and there is absolutely NOT A CHANCE IN HELL that we will call you to talk because we're sad or lonely or crying our eyes out...we don't want to talk to anyone during this time, but we really do have to do it and our friends need to make us do it!
But I wanted to print my friend's reply since it speaks to a lot of exactly what I was feeling before I started blogging (to start on the same page, my note to her mentioned I just moved in with a friend a few weeks ago and that friend has saved me from myself, basically). Here note is in red-ish and I'll keep my comments in blue.
"Thanks so much for writing. I can't tell you how great it is to hear from you, especially when I'm just starting the shit-ass journey that you've already taken, and your positivity and energy is absolutely inspiring.
Like you, I've moved into a new flat with a roommate since about two weeks ago. It IS a different life. I didn't plan to be a single girl in London, with a few friends and no family, but the people that ARE around have been amazingly supportive and caring. Like the girls on my dental nurse training course with me, and my tutors on the course (told you I swapped industries).
I just met them a few months ago, and I can't imagine why or how they care so much, but they do. For instance, on my birthday (which was seventeen days after [THE EX] dropped me off at a friend's house with my stuff in some plastic bags and a suitcase) they knew I didn't have any plans, so they threw me a surprise party at our local pub and baked me a cake. I was astounded. And humbled. They've held me when I broke down in tears on the clinic floor, called me for study dates, made dinner and drink plans, just sent me texts to let me know they're thinking of me...they're really getting me through this. I just don't feel so alone - which is ridiculous, because you and I both know we have lots of people that love us. Why the disappearance of our erstwhile husbands from our lives can make us feel so unloved and alone, or why THEY should be the great measurement of whether or not we're lovable...but there it is. And little daily reminders that I'm not alone - that even relative strangers think I'm lovable and worthwhile, and even you whom I haven't seen in years care enough to write - are absolutely saving my life.
I hear you about not wanting to wallow, too. I dread the time between end of work and going to work, because I've got too much fucking time to THINK. I used to be a night person and now I live for the days...I know it won't always be like this but right now I ain't sleepin' so well. THAT'S a good question for you...what do you do when you can't sleep?"
Lange Reply:
"what you wrote is alllllll very familiar, it's just so bizarre that we all go through the same shit.
I couldn't sleep in the beginning, either, and ended up turning into crazy download-music-girl and searched for new tunes and downloaded and burned cd's ALL THE TIME! It kept my mind from thinking. I couldn't read books or magazines and I couldn't even sit through a 30 minute sitcom. Just could not pay attention.
Facebook was a good distraction, also - did a lot of reading status updates and making comments. It was on ALL THE TIME and there was something comforting about being "social" on it when I had zero desire to be social. And as much as I prefer to make funny status comments, some days my updates were very dark and it was nice to hear people say they loved me and to hang in there."
SOOOOO....THERE IT IS. It's not just this buddy of mine who is feeling this or has felt it. But I thank her for letting me post her email. I think it's helpful to us "divorced chicks" to know that it is NORMAL! I still laugh at that word more than you can imagine. Frickin' NORMAL!
There was more banter with me and my buddy, but I'm going to save some of it and get to a fun(ny) story for a change. As my man, Jay-Z, says, "ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)