THE DIVORCE DIRT & I Kissssssed a Boy & I Liked It! (how do you say "part two" in Slovak?

It's true.  I did kiss a boy and I did like it very much!  But the story is too fun(ny) to not tell.

Stats:  Divorced for EXACTLY 5 MONTHS and 1 DAY on the night of the kiss.

Scene:  Patti Lange dining alone on vacation and having a very lovely and fun night all by myself...my dinner plans had fallen through and I was just so very happy to eat pasta (really??  yes, I ate an entire bowl of carbs and didn't care...added chicken to it to make myself feel better, though), listen to tunes, play on facebook with my buddies and suck down a couple of lychee martinis and indulge in a humongous brownie sundae dessert. 

Carbo-overload, seriously?  I was in heaven and was bantering with the waiter and at some point I bantered with the table next to me for a short minute.  I have zero recollection of what it was about, but it was FUN.

I was about to head back to my hotel when another lychee martini showed up on my table...from the couple sitting next to me that I had the short exchange with.  They were a cute couple - the girl was blond and had a thick, Russian accent that I thought was very cool.  When I thanked them for the drink and noted that I really did not need another drink, I think the girl said something in that most awesome Russian accent about never having too much vodka.  I was too intoxicated to really remember what she said, but it was a nice gesture.  And they suggested I join them, which my alone and drunk self was happy to chat with at that point.

FULL SPEED AHEAD
Turns out that the "couple" were really friends (or so they said) and time passed and she left and I somehow ended up sitting on his lap sucking his face off for what may have been hours.  After all the divorce drama and missing my ex more than I ever thought was possible, I had no cares in the world that night.

He is from (former) Yugoslavia, has been living in the U.S. for roughly 10 years and is absolutely adorable.  I have never heard of a name like "Darko," so I decided to call him "DARKNESS" all night.  It's a name that I will adore for years to come because it represents a turning point in my divorce that I never thought was possible. 

I'm not sure how it happened when I had zero interest in talking to boys for the rest of my life, but he was FUN and FUNNY and something (perhaps 3 lychee martinis???) made me sit on his lap at an outside table and not care at all about the world around me as I literally sucked his face off!! 

STOP!
With the way I was kissing this guy, I don't blame him for thinking he was getting laid that night!  Seriously, Pucker Up Patti was in FULL EFFECT like I've never known it in my life!  But I kept telling him, and I was honest and serious about it, that I was NOT going to sleep with him!  If I had been witness to what was going on, I wouldn't have believed me, either!!!!

At one point (after a second bar and a bottle of Proseco - really?  an entire BOTTLE of Proseco??), we parted ways and I was walking to my hotel and realized that he was following me.  So I stopped and waited and let him walk with me to my hotel, all the while telling him I was not going to sleep with him.  I believe he may have mentioned at one point that we could do "other fun things" and drunk Patti thought that was a fine idea.  "OKAY!!!!!"

So he came back to my room at the hotel.  Not sure how this played out, but somehow HE WAS IN MY SHOWER and I suddenly had a light bulb go on in my head and thought, "OMG!  He thinks we're having sex!" and realized that if he stayed, I was pretty sure that I would let things happen as they may.

Poor guy gets out of the shower and I looked him in the eye and said, "YOU NEED TO LEAVE" and he said, "excuse me?"  So with a more stern (if possible) look, I said, "YOU NEED TO LEAVE...NOWWWW!!!!"

I have never seen anyone get dressed and bolt out of a room faster than Darkness did.

Long story short, he left so quickly that he left his very cute hat on the nightstand in my room:

I cannot lie when I say that I found an excuse to see him two nights later to return the hat.  We spent 4 hours hanging out...laughing about the first night (he said he was waiting for me to join him in the shower!  lmbo!) and how much of  a crazy person I am (obviously!).  But I went back to my hotel alone again.  As much as went on, I still had no interest in being with a boy - especially a boy I didn't know anything about.

Fast forward a week later and there were a few fun(ny) exchanges via text, and I wanted nothing more than to book another weekend to see him again and "close the deal" when I realized that my crazy divorced head would have driven him nuts (see the blog with the guy guest correspondent to get the full inside scoop on bizarre behavior from divorced chicks) and that I am personally nuts for wanting to travel to see a guy that I don't even know anything about and who very well could KILL ME at any time!!!

I have to say...I think it is a fun(ny) story.  And Darkness is a very cute boy who seems crazy smart (they say humor is the last thing picked up when you're not native to the country, and he is so funny it kills me) and I adore his banter and I love that he gave me chit and called me out for being insane.

I am still insane and my insanity ruined any future fun times, but Darkness made me happy for the first time in months.

I'm laughing again.  All the time!  And Darkness will always be light in my life.